Report in Israel: I was an ultraorthodox Jew

No sex, no pleasure, no distractions.Just religion.From morning to night.From evening to morning.It’s too hard for hundreds of young Israelis Haredim who, each year, flee the padlock of their ultra -backodox communities.Outside, freedom.But also suffering.

They are not entitled to information, radio, newspapers, television, internet, cinema, novels, simply pleasure. And even less to love. They cannot learn English, science or mathematics, subjects deemed profane. They have to dress strictly: mid-length skirt, tights, wig or scarf for women. Black pants, hat, papillotes for men. In some groups, the pockets are prohibited, to avoid contact with sex. They spend their days studying religion, without respite. These are the Haredim, the "fearing God" in Hebrew, the ultra -backodox Jews of Israel. They live in closed communities on themselves, from which it is very difficult to get out. However, 1,300 Haredim left their family last year to lead a secular life, outside the sectarian setting imposed since their birth. A phenomenon that has been clearly amplified in recent years. In Israel, they are called the "Yotzim Beshe’ela" ("coming out to the question"). Once outside, the Yotzim build a new identity. They must relearn everything. Rejected by their loved ones most of the time, they manage alone to survive or find help with the NGO Hillel, which has been taking care of the Yotzim since 1991. Hillel created, in 2015, a refuge, in response to A wave of suicides in the ancient ultraorthodox. "We first manage the urgency, we make them meet a social worker. If they no longer have a place to live, we direct them either to our refuge or to our transitional apartments, where they can live in roommates with other Yotzim several months, to get back on foot, explains Avi Neuman, NGO coordinator. We also look at their job prospects or studies and we help them apprehend the secular world by outings to theater or cinema. »»

Hillel allows each yotzim to have a mentor who helps him in everyday unknowns: shopping, making an appointment with the doctor, sign a check or even flirt ... because in these communities girls and boys go inSeparate schools and are not allowed to speak except during Chidouh, the arranged meeting, to get married.From Jerusalem to Tel Aviv, via Haifa, we met four Yotzim: Moshe, Baruch, Esterina and Ido.Some have just fleeled, others escaped a long time ago.But they all face the same test: finally having a normal life.And free.

"My parents sent men attacking me in the street to force me to come back"

Moshe Cohen, 19, left for fifteen months

No one would suspect Moshe, cut beard and Décalané Jean, of having spent the first 17 years of his life among the Haredim.Now he lives in a trendy district of Tel Aviv, and studies quantum physics.

"As a child, all I knew how to do it was to go from school to my home. At 13, I left Haifa to go to boarding schools in Yeshiva [Bunny Religious School, Editor's note] in Bnei Brak [north of Tel Aviv, editor's note]. I was tired of living with my illiterate parents. Religious life was the study of the Torah at the Yeshiva from 7 am to midnight every day. Our rabbi said to us, "If you believe in something without exploring it, your faith is worth nothing." From 14 years old, I started questioning myself about God. I found no evidence of its existence. I realized that if I was waiting for my 30th birthday or my 50th birthday, it would become impossible to leave. Especially with a wedding and children. At 17, I told my parents that I wanted to leave. They put pressure on me, told me that my sister would find it difficult to find a husband, because it would give a bad image of our family in the community. I prepared myself for six months, saving thanks to my torah rewriting job in pen and ink. When I was 18, I got in touch with Hillel. A volunteer helped me choose secular clothes.

The first two months, I only felt pain. My parents sent men attacking me in the street several times. Sometimes I could escape, sometimes I had to make the blows. They tried to manipulate me by making me believe that they were in the hospital or that my little brother had broken his leg. When I called my cousin to check, everything was wrong. I contacted the police who told me that there was nothing to do. One of the hardest things is to know that now, all that I will have to face in life will be alone. Hillel helps me to face. I have private English and mathematics lessons every week for my bagrut [the equivalent of the bac, editor's note]. My mentor helps me to plan meetings, to read my lease contract. And I also have a scholarship, 2,000 shekels twice a year [470 euros, editor's note]. Among the Haredim, Hillel is described as a monster that forces its members to eat pork, to drive the evening of the Shabbat, when it is just people who help us know who we are.

Being in a relationship also poses problems.I learn every day with my girlfriend.At first, I treated her like a sister.The situation was uncomfortable.When I was religious, I was completely asexual, without any desire.It was forbidden to approach the girls so it made me really weird that she took my hand.I said to him, "Why do you want me to take you in my arms?What is the point ?"In the religious world, we never do anything without goal.I then understood that pleasure was a sufficient reason.I was lucky because my girlfriend was very patient.She makes me happier than I have ever been.One of my disappointments: alcohol does nothing to me.I still bet this weekend with a friend who did not think I could drink half a bottle of vodka without reaction ... He lost.»»

"I wanted to live my life, discover, feel, accomplish"

Baruch Indig, 26, left for five years

Baruch loves to talk about sex.Sex with girls, with boys, three -to -four plans.His ultimate release has taken the form of a Facebook status on which he announced: "I am not more ultraorthodox and I am bisexual.»»

“My childhood was very hard.The most horrible arrived when I was 9 years old.One evening, my teacher assaulted me sexually in the synagogue.Unfortunately, I didn't tell anyone about it because I didn't know it was bad.I no longer wanted this hypocritical life.

The decisive turning point arrived when I left the Yeshiva at the age of 21.This world deed me.I wanted to live my bisexuality fully.I think we need to do things and regret them, to live in the moment.I then engaged in the army, a ban among the Haredim.It was in the army that I started to stop wearing the kippah.

Then I worked in a computer store.I always lived with my parents.They were disappointed that I no longer went to the Yeshiva, but they learned to live with it.I continued to wear the kippah in front of them, so for them I was always religious.But four months ago, I published a Facebook status "I'm more ultraorthodox and I am bisexual."They threw me from my house.I called Hillel’s emergency refuge, they welcomed me and saved my life.I have a lot of debts, because I have never been explained how to pay attention to my expenses.I work every night in a Burgers restaurant in the center of Jerusalem, while writing the scenario of a musical.In the evening, I meet girls or boys or both at the same time thanks to Tinder.

A year ago, I admitted to my parents that the rabbi had sexually assaulted me.They told me that they were sorry, that they had never known it.I still continue to pray.I did not leave for lack of faith, but because I could never have explored my bisexuality there.I wanted to live my life, discover, feel, accomplish.»»

Baruch today in Hillel's refuge.© Raphaël Fournier/Diverge for Neon

"There will always be a gap between others and me"

ESTERINA TRACHTENBERG, 27, who had been part for ten years

It may be in a master's degree in medical science in Haifa, Esterina still bears the stigma of seventeen isolated and without education.But even when she evokes the obstacles of life, she never leaves her smile.

"My parents made their aliyah [immigration to the Holy Land, Editor's note] from Moscow when I had 1 year and became religious.But at 5, I was already thinking differently.I was making scenes at home: I light up and put out the light to Shabbat, I ate milk chocolate before the meal when it is forbidden to mix dairy and meat products.I went secretly in secular libraries devouring novels.

The first problem arose when I told my parents that I wanted to go to a general school to learn the sciences.They forced me to go to a religious high school.To protest, I put pants under my skirts, I was pierced my ears.At 16, I told them I wanted to leave the community.They fired me from the house.They were afraid that I influence my twelve brothers and sisters.

I found a place in a home, in exchange for hours of support for disabled children.I changed first name.I went from Esther to Esterina.I passed my Bagrut alone, then I managed to join the university.Unfortunately, I always feel like I am lagging behind compared to others.I have a level of mathematics of a second.My English is still hesitant.It's sad, I have more holes than a cheese.I feel stupid most of the time.I had brainwashing, there will always be a gap between others and me.

My mother sometimes calls me, but she never asks me how I'm going. My family treats me like the ugly duckling. I never stay alone on Friday evening, I have a tattooed shabbat syndrome in my heart, after seventeen years spent with family every Friday. My parents harass me: "Why are you not married? So you have no use. " They have become so primitive. They made me suffer more that I don't miss them. One of my brothers said to me, "You are not a religious, you have guys, you are only a whore." Some Yotzim leave in delusions of orgies, I was calmer. I kissed a boy for the first time at 19. I met my first boyfriend at 22. Sex was just crazy. I knew nothing about it. He taught me to become a woman, to assume my desires. He changed my life, even if this idiot has cheated on me. I got even more fulfilled after our separation. I learned that people who live in ignorance often think they are happy. My freedom is my happiness. And motorcycles are my freedom. I would choose my motorcycle rather than a man! »»

"One morning, I cut my beard, my long hair and my papillotes"

Ido Lev, 37, left for fourteen years

Computer engineer, Ido has just remarried not religiously.If he has struggled to allow himself to have fun, today he devours life.

"I was 22 years old and already two children when I thought of leaving my community.My second son had just been born.I felt the responsibility of the father weighing on my shoulders.All the adventures experienced by adolescents, I had not been entitled to it.

My wedding was arranged. We had a good partnership with my ex-wife, but there was no love. We saw each other twice, in the presence of our parents. Sex was a task to accomplish every Friday evening, a mitzvah, a good action. He had to be black, put a sheet on the door to cover the light of the shabbat, put away the holy books, pray, fill a pot of water. Because, the sex ended, even before putting a foot on the ground, you had to wash your hands. Each step was a love kill. I wanted to check the beliefs with which I was going to educate my children. I realized that the Bible told beautiful stories, but devoid of meaning, a bit like Snow White. One night, I announced to my wife that I no longer believed in God. In the morning, I cut my beard, my long hair and my papillotes. I flanked everything in a trash can and took the bus for Tel Aviv. I was terrified of the idea that I am continuing. But in Tel Aviv, I walked in the street, free and happy.

The first days, I lived in the street. At night I hid in a shopping center. Then I started to work in an MCDO. But with the divorce and the pension to pay, it was tough. I felt lost, I was no longer winning enough, I was going to lose my accommodation. In a kiosk, I saw an advertisement for the NGO Hillel and I contacted them. They placed me in one of their transitional apartments, shared with other Yotzim. I spent my bagrut at 26 then started my engineering studies. At that time, my children didn't want to see me anymore. I haven't had any contact with them for twelve years. I paid the high price. I don't want to force their hand to them, but it's extremely hard to live without them. Soon I will build a new family. It's been a year and a half that I am with Noa, a professional cellist, and we have just married not religiously. We met on the Okcupid site. My parents know it: they are visited once a month. They asked us to stop showing our affection in public, but we don't take it badly, it makes us laugh. They do not know if they will come to our marriage, but they will end up accepting, I believe in it.

My flight has gone through travel.In Nepal where I climbed the mountains of the Himalayas, Canada where I hit snowboard tracks.I have been used to so many years to control my desires that I took a long time to give myself the permission to have fun, to learn to lose control in sex and elsewhere.Travel, love, jazz, films, each exploration of the world has been fascinating.»»

In numbers

10 % of the Israeli population is ultraorthodox, or around 800,000 people.

A total of 13,000 people have left their community over the past twenty years, 70 % of them men and 30 % of women.

1,300 people fled the Haredim in 2015.

The ex-religious people are three times more likely to demonstrate suicidal trends, according to a study carried out on 170 people in 2014.

Since 2012, a dozen cases of Yotzim suicide have been identified.

Sophie Boutboul

Article published in Neon magazine in September 2016

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