Brigitte defends Macron, Valls ready to (re) govern: it is better to laugh!

And also… Xavier Niel wants to help you “to communicate, without fucking you” and the candidate LR invites her camp to open her chakras: every Saturday, “Marianne” gives you a list of all this heartbreaking or funny information, from which we have taken the party of laughter.

cowards

Ivan Rioufol, columnist at Le Figaro, came close to doing violence to himself and approving, for once, a strike launched by the teachers' unions. Luckily, he found the hidden defect of the teachers' anger: “By demanding more health protection, they make the mistake of showing their fear of the students. The ideal teacher should show himself without a mask or vaccine, and, better still, publicly touch the sick like General Bonaparte in Jaffa. Would Ivan Rioufol be ready to walk in the footsteps of Jesus Christ, going to the rehearsal room to distribute kisses to covids?

Give yourself LR

In an article in Le Point entitled “How Valérie Pécresse intends to get her campaign off the ground”, we read: “While some of her supporters are worried about a sluggish start, candidate LR keeps her flight plan and invites her family to “ open the chakras”. Provided that it does not entrust this mission to Laurent Wauquiez.

At table !

MEP Pierre Larrouturou embarked on a hunger strike with the aim of alerting the left to the urgency of uniting. He stopped the movement after a week. The left was no less divided, but Fabien Roussel had just proposed a unifying solution to the hunger strike: good wine, good meat, cheese.

The eternal return

Silvio Berlusconi, who was three times head of the Italian government, is seeking the presidency of the Italian Republic. It is true that, after multiple cases, he only has one ongoing procedure, in which it is only ever a question of corruption, bribery of witnesses and prostitution of minors...

Cleaning operation

After Valérie Pécresse made Sarkozy by assuring that she was going to "clean up all these neighborhoods which have become areas of lawlessness, even sometimes areas of non-France", the Kärcher group protested against "the inappropriate remarks" of the candidate LR, summoning her to "immediately cease all use of her mark". Valérie Pécresse will have to seek her inspiration elsewhere to clean up her image.

Fine then...

Alain Minc, the man who is always wrong, has announced that he supports Valérie Pécresse, because he thinks she will be able to do Macron more easily than Macron himself. It remains to be seen whether the Republican candidate will be able to recover from this poisoned gift.

A poem signed Niel

In an advertisement on the Internet, Xavier Niel, CEO of Free, appears in the skin of a pseudo-president of the Republic delivering a televised speech in his Élysée Palace. Aping the formulas of his friend Macron, he asserts: "When I make a promise, I keep it" or: "My ambition is to be the operator of all French people and to help you communicate, without fucking you . And it is with such rich rhymes that one becomes so rich?

Dog tongues

Under the title “And if your dog was bilingual? “, the Obs informs us that” a study has just shown that dogs were able to make the difference between Hungarian and Spanish “. Even if it's a… German shepherd?

The pig is the future of man

After the hashtag #BalanceTonPorc, intended to encourage women to publish the names of their sexual aggressors, the pig is again in the spotlight, but in a more sympathetic version, with the transplant of a pig's heart on a male. In the first case, it was necessary to cause a phenomenon of rejection of the men concerned, whereas, in the second, one is wary of the phenomenon of rejection. Like what there are circumstances where the pig is the future of man, provided that he has heart.

Return to Camba

Asked by the Express about Hidalgo's candidacy, Jean-Christophe Cambadélis, former first secretary of the PS, said: “We can have disagreements with her but this media beating is excessive and incomprehensible. Why do we have to persist when it is only 5% in the polls and sometimes less? I have the impression that some are trying to kill social democracy…” But no, she is doing very well on her own.

Prada and TikTok

Asked by Le Monde, Benjamin Simmenauer, a philosopher specializing in fashion, confides: “What matters is less to own a Prada dress than to show it on TikTok. What matters even more is being able to afford it.

Very spontaneous statement

In a JDD article entitled "Presidential: Macron could declare himself at the end of January or mid-February, depending on the evolution of the epidemic", we learn that "the outgoing head of state is forced to index his declaration of candidacy in the presidential election on the epidemic situation”. Then the weekly added: “Until now, the Covid-19 epidemic, if we stick to its strict political aspects, was rather considered by the executive, with a little cynicism, as an asset in the perspective of the presidential competition. Only “a little”?

flowery language

Asked about TF1 about her husband's sentence on the non-vaccinated that he wants to "piss off", Brigitte Macron launched: "I made him study Rabelais, who also had a flowery language. Certainly, but, until proven otherwise, Rabelais has never been President of the Republic.

Islamo-monarchist

Mohamed Abrini, one of the main defendants in the trial of the attacks of November 13, 2015, justified, during his hearing, all the abuses of the Islamic State. And he had this cry from the heart: “Beheadings are also done in France. You cut off your own king's head! A blasphemous and regicidal people therefore deserved to be machine-gunned in its places of impiety: Stade de France, Bataclan and café terraces...

Vocation

Invited on BFMTV, Manuel Valls assured that his experience as a former Prime Minister “can be used”, adding: “To govern again, I am made for that, I like it, I have this passion. What generosity!

space and friends

In a meeting in Nantes, in front of a giant video, Jean-Luc Mélenchon invoked the "new frontiers of humanity", space, the Moon, the orbital station and the oceans. On the other hand, the borders which separate him from the other candidates on the left are more impermeable than ever, and Mélenchon made a point of specifying that Yannick Jadot, Anne Hidalgo, Christiane Taubira, Fabien Roussel and the others are not his "buddies".

We are all Thouy

In the Express, Hélène Thouy, animalist presidential candidate, was asked about the choice of the party's poster for the election: “In the legislative elections, it was a cat; to Europeans, a dog; at the municipal elections, a squirrel… Who will be on your poster for the presidential election? " Answer of the person concerned: " The secret is well kept for the moment! To be honest, it's still under consideration. " The suspense is at its peak.

Thank you

Christian Estrosi, mayor of Nice, a Macron-compatible right-wing man, has proposed that the unvaccinated should be deprived of unemployment benefit. The next stage will be their forced exile in the Far North, without food or clothing.

blood auction

A copy of a Red Brigades leaflet claiming responsibility for the kidnapping of Christian Democrat Aldo Moro in March 1978 has been put up for auction. Online, the document, proposed at 600 €, reached 14,000 € in two days, and this is only the beginning. Murdered in cold blood and abandoned in the trunk of a 4L in the center of Rome, Aldo Moro, who fought all his life against corruption, sees his memory trampled in a race for money.

Indian (more) ink

In China, footballers from the national football team are now "strictly prohibited from having new tattoos", said the Ministry of Sports. Those who have them are asked to "remove" them. “In the event of special circumstances […], tattoos must be covered during training and competitions”, specifies the text. The recruitment of any tattooed athlete is also prohibited. Western footballers who dreamed of ending their career in China will have to knock on another door.

On the edge of reality

The (very) rare LREM activists responsible for launching the presidential campaign on the ground come up against a challenge: to promote a candidate who is not yet, but who has proven to be without we know when the thing will be official. To console themselves, they can tell themselves that it is easier to face the virtual world than to come up against the wall of reality.

Covid versus Covid

An Indian entrepreneur shared his joy on social networks, crying out from the heart: “My name is Kovid and I am not a virus. “The advantage, with such a first name, is that it does not go unnoticed. This boss of a company specializing in tourism launched: “My future trips are going to be very fun. “At the moment they are very limited, because Covid is mocking Kovid.

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