Divorce and separation: when children are taken hostage to the conflict of their parents.
For more than 48 hours, in Nantes, a man has entrenched himself at the top of a crane, to protest against a court decision which deprives him of a right of visit and accommodation.He hasn't seen his son for 2 years.
Without getting into her story whose intimate cogs are unknown, and which seems full of excess, it is, alas still today, the reflection of too many dramatic situations where the separation of the couple is done in hatred, revenge, resentment, violence, with children as an armed wing!
Parents are tearing themselves apart, children toast ...
Because children can perfectly recover from the separation of their parents.But they can only feel that in the end, this separation is the occasion for relaxation, that it has appeased initial tensions.The tranquility of a child from which the parents separate is at this price: to build himself, he must know possible around him a serene parental dialogue, at the risk, in the opposite case of feeling fragmented, dissociated, cut in half andhorribly unhappy.
However, some conflicts persist far beyond the rupture, become battles stored when they did not see the real war with, then, children taken hostage.Because the conflict that drains will naturally crystallize around children who remain the only powerful links.The more one of the parents will have trouble turning the page, will feel humiliated, betrayed, more flouted, the more the child risks serving as a pretext for a revenge, always unaffected, sometimes even unconscious.War is declared with as a key word "the interest of the child"!
Whether small, they are large, the children are completely lost in these conflicts, especially since they are put in notice to choose a camp ... but before adolescence the child has no autonomyPsychic vis-à-vis his parents: eager for security, haunted by the fear of no longer being loved and therefore abandoned, when he is with his mother, it is she who is right, when he is with his father,it's him.How to navigate?Adolescents, with all the ambivalence that characterizes their emotional ties at that time, can have trenched attitudes, one of the parents, because it suits it, but which can then leave with love bites..This was the case of this 15 -year -old girl, met at the request of the family affairs judge.She was, ten months ago, "chosen" to see her mother and to go and live with her father, who had not failed to emphasize "the ingratitude of a mother who leaves".It was with real enjoyment that she had then taken place, unconsciously coveted, of his mother.Until the day she realized that her father had another woman in her life.Her hatred was then up to all the love expressed and her deep pain: she no longer wanted to hear about it!
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— Foard Jamees Wed Jul 16 05:26:50 +0000 2014
In these highly conflicting contexts, the task of the judges in family affairs is tough!For having worked for several years with some of them, I know that it is not so easy to be clairvoyant.Children can be completely trapped in the hate speech of a parent, or be absorbed by his separation anxiety.
Of course we can have to do with failing and toxic fathers, from which children must be protected, it exists!But we meet much more that are magnet fathers, completely able to assume their children, and who are unfortunately to lump the fantasies of all power of terrorized mothers at the idea of letting go "their little ones"'A weekend, a week or a month during the holidays.
I have heard mothers many times tell me that they lived these separations as "tears".We must be able to hear these sufferings, accompany them, relate them to a family history.We must soften the guilt of what can be experienced as a resignation.But above all we must make them understand that the threats they then see prowling all around the child are of the order of fantasy and that the reality is different.
Alternate custody, even if I believe that it must be envisaged with caution in the very first years of the child, because without sufficiently solid benchmarks it risks feeling tossed like a pen in the wind, has the enormous advantage of lettingthe father in his place, and even sometimes to give him the opportunity to take a real place.They claim it and they are right.
But it will only have a beneficial interest in the child if it is in recognition and respect for the other, far from hatred and resentments.
Béatrice Copper-Royer
